Ladies and gentleman of the class of 2018: wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
But not the spray-on kind, because there have been studies it doesn’t work as well. Also you’re going to want to avoid the ones with oxybenzone, avobenzone, octisalate, triceratops, or homosalate andoctinoxate; one of those is an extinct dinosaur but the other ones are chemical fillers that will protect you from harmful UV rays while also giving you some form of cancer in twelve to twenty-nine years.
Do one thing everyday that scares you. And then post it to your Insta — your Story not your Feed because you’ll get more engagement that way — but only if it aligns with your “brand.”
Dance.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements. Hide your online dating profiles when you’re job hunting because those are fair game for the algorithms, and DTF isn’t what HR is looking for.
Floss.
Stretch. Stretch your body, stretch your mind, stretch your definition of the word presidential; if the last two years have taught us anything, it’s that norms and standards once thought immutable can actually be dissolved in a single tweet.
Maybe you’ll marry. Maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have children. Maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll become a meme and go viral and get on The Ellen Show and have your student loans repaid with an oversized Shutterfly check. But probably not, so you should have a plan B. Like a flash mob video.
Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few, you should hold on. I’m talking here about your “influencer” friends — the ones with over 10K followers and an adept understanding of hashtags. Because if you hold on long enough, they will tag you and you will get more comments and profile clicks (link in bio), and eventually you too will have access to the swipe up option.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths. Prices will rise, politicians will philander, Snapchat will become irrelevant and you too will get old. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were younger prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and the $130 you spent on Spectacles was totally worth it.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.
Don’t post too many inspirational quotes, and reach out to those that do; they’re probably going through some stuff and could use a friend.
But trust me on the sunscreen.